Blame: Denial’s Ugly Cousin

The best way to maximize this brief blog is to picture a person in your life that you struggle to have a meaningful conversation, on any level.

These individuals often refuse to hear truth, have elaborate self-protection plans, and conveniently escape situations they know they cannot control. Denial is a defense mechanism or smoke screen that always yields an immediate benefit, a stressful reality has been temporarily dodged.

‘Garden variety’ expressions of denial include: 

1) ignore/pretend,
2) minimize,
3) claim innocence (“I didn’t know”),
4) laziness (do nothing),
5) rationalize (excuse making),
6) avoidance (‘ghosting’), and
7) redirection/distraction (change subjects).

However, “denial” has an expiration date. 

Denial will hit a “dead-end” and only works for a limited time. The person who has passed the ‘expiration date’ on their difficulty will face consequences. The denial-based personality will have a laundry list of reasons why their misfortunes are attributed to someone else.

A person whose denial expiration date has expired is forced into a blaming posture. When the proverbial ‘yogurt hits the fan’, Denial will introduce the ugly cousin, Blame. There is an intimate and predictable working relationship between denial and blame; denial is the forerunner of blame.
Living or working with a “Blamer” is time-consuming and frustrating on many levels. Being mindful of blog space, here are some things to know and do when dealing with a Blamer.

1) Recognize blame is a learned and practiced act of self-defense;
2) Know blame is utilized by a person who is unwilling to face consequences for their previous choices,
3) Listen to understand the other person’s position;
4) Begin by acknowledging any piece of your participation in the challenge,
5) Apologize, where necessary,
6) Anticipate ‘the Blamer’ will not accept your reality;
7) Practice fierce boundaries;
8) Explore the other person’s (irrational) piece of the challenge (note: this comes after 1-7!) by asking questions (asking questions is another blog, trust me!);
9) Work together to overcome the situation; and
10 )If you recognize the person is not willing to explore joint efforts in coming to a resolution terminate the conversation with, “I can tell this is not a good time for us to talk about this. I am open to addressing this at another time.”

Remember, when a person’s denial has caught up with them, ‘blame’ is their ‘Marshall Arts’ best effort to control you. When you refuse to be a part of the meaningless banter and leave the conversation, control and intimidation are removed. Your partner in the disagreement does not have anyone to fight with. Then—and only then—do you have any hope of having a level playing field for healthy communication to take place.