Helicopter Parents Produce Helicopter Kids

Each fall incoming freshman come streaming onto college campuses. Some “streaming wildly”, like a horse out of the barn for the first time. And then there are the others, who cautiously and fearfully dare not make the slightest poor decision. ‘Helicopter kids’ come from homes that were both heavily policed (meaning many rules), raised by well-meaning parents who we overly involved, and those whose parents were very ‘hands off’ (or, permissive). Studies show ‘Helicopter kids’ have certain traits that they carry with them, like the contents in their backpacks.

Helicopter kids coming from homes where parents were constantly hovering over their kids struggle with several different things. In no particular order… the eighteen-year-old (and older and even into young adulthood) show the following tendencies:

• Low tolerance for stress. You would think that the young person who lives with a micromanaging parent would not exhibit this. Wrong. This child has lived with the stress of the ‘watchful eye’ and carries this onto campus. Byproducts of this are overcompensation, perfectionism and substance abuse. “If I don’t succeed, I will hear about it.” In an effort to reduce stress, the helicopter kid ‘’works the stress’ off of them.

• Difficulty in decision making. Where does this come from? Easy. The fear of making a mistake or a poor decision produces indecisiveness. This is not to be confused with procrastination, as this is a totally different challenge (another blog).

• Fear of failure is a corresponding underlying component part of the helicopter kid. This is particularly true where one or both parents were successful in their given areas of interest. I can remember talking with a student whose father was a well known, hall of fame athlete. He told me he was asked many times by coaches, “You are going to be just like your dad, aren’t you.”

• Low self-esteem. Kids who were constantly corrected or told, ‘this is simply not enough’ (the implication is, not ‘good’ enough) see more faults in themselves than assets. This low self-esteem produces a hypervigilance or perfection orientation and at the opposite end of the spectrum, can become an underachiever.

• People-pleasing. When you add 1-4 together, the cumulative byproduct is that these people become ‘people pleasers.’ Read 1-4 again, keeping this in mind. People pleasing is ‘posing’ to be someone who you are not. One byproduct of people pleasing is a growing level of internal anger because what is said “Yes” to on the outside, a corresponding voice is yelling, “NO!” on the inside . Melanie Beattie has coined the phrase, “When helping you is hurting me”, fits here.

• Inability to hear compliments. Because criticism, even helpful direction, is heard more than compliments, a sixth attribute of the helicopter kid is that they have difficulty hearing or receiving compliments. This reality is often carried into adulthood and to the extent, these people are forever in search of just another ‘atta boy/girl’. And side-bar here… one more ‘atta boy/girl’ is never enough, ever.

• Arrested development. On many fronts, the helicopter kid can have packed away in their ‘life backpack’ stunted emotional, relational and academic potential. This reality is commonly referred to as, ‘failure to launch’. The overhelping parent (or professor) is silently saying, “You can’t do this so let me help you.” When this happens, the individual never realizes their full potential.