Managing Manipulative People

I’ve been taking a Zoom class for the last few months that has dealt with, in part, “adverse advisors” or, people who have a problem with nearly any idea you may have. I want to pull the covers back on the person who first appears as being ‘authentic,’ but is found to be blowing smoke.

You discover, underneath their initial smooth talk, is only a means to control others. The best way for you to maximize this brief read is to think of someone in your life who, at times, emotionally or verbally overpowers you.

First, the person before you initially present themselves with great ‘pretense’. Pretense is a false or misleading appearance with the goal of distorting reality. This could be in the form of ready agreement with your ideas. This person may appear likeable, seem wise, and come across as caring--until you disagree with them. The pretentious personality eventually becomes dismissive, aggressive or sarcastic when you express a different opinion.

Second, stage two is referred to as, ‘offense’. Once you disagree with (your person), on whatever topic, there will be an attempt to run all over you, using every imaginable resource they can muster up. Their “offensive imagination” has a near limitless supply of well-practiced techniques. The first two stages are all about them. A common initial response to “offense” is, “What just happened?”

Third stage brings a shift, in us. What began as “pretense” (false presenting) is followed by “offense” (an attempt to control). The third stage is marked by your  ‘defense’. Because of the intended mental hijacking, a term used to describe the manipulation of one's thoughts and perceptions, we begin to question our reality. If we allow ourselves to forget who we are and what we believe, the conversation or encounter can go even further south.’

Once we've identified the above rouse of manipulation, we can name the conflict for what it is, 'nonsense'. This recognition allows us to regain our reality and take back control.. A simple question to ask might be, 'Does this person have receptivity to hear what I have to say?'

Four stages: “pretense” (false presenting)-“offense” (control)-“defense” (forgetting our reality)- “nonsense” (regaining reality).

It's important to note that not everyone displays these manipulative behaviors. However, research does show a significant portion of our culture engages in ‘false presenting’ and uses both covert and overt measures to control, which can lead to us questioning our mental reasoning.