dr-bill-effler

The Sponge

Tue, 24 Feb 2026 12:00:01 GMT

(on the occasion of Ron’s birthday)

Sometimes, as Christians, we end our day and wonder, “Did I overlook anything today, Lord,

that you wanted me to see?” The Accuser often stirs up self-condemnation and tells us what we might have accomplished but for whatever reason, chose not to. This can prompt us to pray,

“Lord, forgive me for not doing more in this needy world. Help me tomorrow to be more available to others as I move about my day with you.”

There was a day when this repeating cycle would happen, more times than I wish to think. Then one day…as I walked through my bathroom, I saw my sponge lying there, looking rather dry. I hadn’t used it in a while. I stopped and asked, “Hey, sponge, you look all dried out. Are you OK?”

That day, I learned a valuable lesson: being available is more important than simply doing more.

“No”, said the sponge.

“But why?” I asked in a most respectful way.

“Well, you pass by me. You see me lying here”, the sponge said. “I have failed you. Before me is this dirty sink.” The sponge’s words piqued my curiosity. I looked at the sponge and asked, “How have you failed me?”

“Look at this grimy sink. I’m here to restore beauty. Fill me with warm water and squeeze me out.” The sponge continued, “being dry is unpleasant, but that disappears once you soak me in warmth and…

The sponge paused. "Sometimes you squeeze me a bit too firmly. That can make me anxious."

I thought for a moment, then sat down beside the sponge. "You’re right—I haven’t used you lately. I’ve even left the bathroom without saying hello. You haven’t let me down. It is my job to fill you up and squeeze you out. If I needed to wash my hands or clean the sink, I would have turned on the water and refreshed you. It’s not your job to fill yourself up or decide what needs cleaning—

that’s up to me."

Silence filled the room. Sometimes, silence says more than words ever could. It’s as if a spotlight was on the sponge. With as much gentleness as I could stir, I moved closer and bent down towards the sponge and said …

“Every time I walk into the bathroom, I know you are there. I know you want to help me restore beauty around you. I don’t value you because of what you do. It is your availability that means the most to me. Because you’re always there and serve without always having to ask “Why”, I’m thankful for the gift you truly are. Friendship, sponge, isn’t about what one does for another, but about the time we get to spend together.”

I don’t know if what I told the sponge that day made any sense or was helpful, but it comforted me. The main thought is this: “You did well in that it was in your heart to serve me” (2 Chronicles 6.8).

The Disappointing Masterpiece

Wed, 04 Feb 2026 15:52:49 GMT

I am the most disappointing masterpiece in the world. Over 10 million people come to see me each year.

But when they come, I am smaller than they imagined, and their disappointments are so much greater than their expectations. They crowd around, like hungry birds, wanting to be fed, and are never full enough.

They do not know that…

“Mona” is short for Madonna.

My father, Leonardo, hired musicians to fight off depressions as he painted.

I have been stolen.

Defaced.

I am seen as an artistic icon but never understood.

Behind my smile is a real person with feelings to share and stories to tell.

But you decide for yourself when you meet me someday. Don’t be deceived by

another’s smile, the seeming smallness by which they carry themselves or by the

people in their lives that do not pay them the attention their heart craves.

You decide…

How will you treat the ‘Madonna’ you see on the street, the person in the line in front of

you at the market or… your husband, wife, child, grandchild? You see, they all hope in

silence that you would linger just a little longer because ‘presence in the price’ that

friendship pays for those we love.

Procrastination(!)

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 17:18:38 GMT

If you were to look up the word procrastination, you would find something along these lines of,

Procrastination is delaying a necessary task, despite knowing there could negative consequences. Or, choosing to do something less important or more enjoyable because what is being asked of them, is a challenge (and less fun!). The decision to choose the less challenging task allows them to escape negative emotions associated with a task. Stated simply, procrastination is a (learned?) behavior that demonstrates laziness, poor time management and flies in the face life altering consequences (like losing a job).

The above is only a beginning .

I have developed a procrastination instrument/questionnaire that identifies six different types of procrastinators. which tells a person what type of procrastinator they are. Below I give only a summary of the six types of procrastinators that my research has uncovered. You will see, the definite reasons or motivations why people do not make responsible choices. Here are the six classic procrastinators:

The PERFECTIONIST procrastinator. The “PP” is an obsessive-compulsive person. Their work must be, perfect. In seeking perfection, they rarely get closure on the task at hand and cause undue stress on work colleagues. The “PP” lives with A LOT of self-imposed stress, has a maximum amount of negative self-talk and is often ‘playing to an audience to garner attention’ because they need to be, ‘perfect’.

The DREAMER procrastinator. Dreams are all important is seizing a new endeavor. But the “DP” lives with the age-old adage, ‘the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence’. Yet, they fail to remember, ‘that grass too needs to be mowed’. The “DP” often creates a challenging work or relationship setting because current pressing challenges are not addressed because the “DP” is dreaming about other things. The “DP” does NOT face or complete existing responsibilities and defaults into a procrastination mode by dreaming about other possibilities. The “DP” is often the ‘life of the party’ but after the party ends is nowhere to be found to help clean up.

The WORRIER procrastinator. This person fears change, ANY change. Being consumed with, “What if” questions, the “WP” can defeat this element of procrastination by having an accountability partner to help discern reality. Last, the “WP” has a multitude of worries because of unfinished issues of the past. Because of unresolved past disappointments, the “WP” is chiefly concerned with and ruled by… controlling today, at any cost. The “WP” lives with an unrestrained amount of hyper-vigilance, always on the lookout for anyone who will join their ‘worry party’.

The DEFIER procrastinator. This person has issues with authority. Rather than ‘get with the program’ the “DP” will “defy” any new opportunity that is presented. The “DP” is not a team player, at all. Even when introduced with the facts, say, a financial reality, the “DP” will slow, stall and interrupt an entire group of people. The “DP” is perfectly happy with reaching no conclusions. The “DP” has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) tendencies and is offended when their opinions are questioned. The “DP” fails to realize there is a huge difference between the world of their opinions and the outer world of facts that orbits around them. The popular term, “gaslighting” fits this person.

The CRISES-MAKER procrastinator. This person thrives on working on a ‘last minute basis’s and is often heard saying, “I work best under pressure.” (Research shows this is simply NOT the case!). The “CMP” thrives on the chemical surges in the brain that cause excitement, high blood pressure and heart disease. The “CMP” does not realize that their lack of time management creates an institutional crisis because their approach to work causes undue stress on others. The “CMP” is a common cause or reason why there is a failure to reach corporate goal accomplishment. The “CMP” ‘stirs the pot’ and has a manipulative way of creating a ‘false crises’ while garnering false attention for themselves.

The OVERDOER procrastinator. This type of procrastinator is ‘uber-common’ in church and non-profit organizations. This type of person has way too much on their plate, does not prioritize and will often miss critical deadlines. The “OP” has terrible boundaries and has a hard time saying, “No”. These persons frequently have a “Messiah Complex”, run their lives on ‘fumes’ and live close to burn out. The saddest and most concerning part of the “OP” is that they live with unresolved anger that is pointed at people who they think do not work as hard as they do. In short, the “OP” does not have a legitimate life and if their responsibilities were ever taken away from them, they would be shocked at the person they would meet.

Keep It Real

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 17:13:43 GMT

I confess, I reached into my journaling and found this piece of writing I had written back in January 2017. I remember the night I describe like it was yesterday. Even now, my eyes are filling… my mind wondering … how many students “got me”? How many did I miss? And then I think, what about today, the people that are in my life now … I have these thoughts as the end of 2025 draws near.

January 2017

I made my way back to my office after winter graduation; it was a blustery night. The office suite was dark, and I was all alone.

After opening my office door my eyes fell upon a sealed envelope that had been slipped under my door. I paused to wonder, “What was I about to read?” The anonymous note read, “You will not remember me, I only had you for one class. The semester I had you, I was considering ending it all. You kept life real in class. You talked about prayer as if God really listened to you. After class I would hear the pretentious religious students with their ‘God in a box’ way of thinking talk about class and you, with great disapproval. They were not open to your direct, unvarnished and California way of teaching. You always had my attention.” The note went on …

I know keeping it real is hard for you at times, it showed; but please keep, keeping it real. One night I wrote down in my journal what you said one day in class, “Reality hurts before it heals, freezes the pain before it melts it away.” I am graduating. I have been accepted by an organization that is committed to reaching students just like me. Imagine that, me helping others?! Thank you Dr. E for always keeping it real. Merry Christmas.”

I crumpled in a pile after reading the note. I am convinced many professors do not know who walks through the doors of their academic cathedrals. Most pastors cannot see the depth of pain that amble through the doors of their hallowed stained-glass sanctuaries. The majority of corporate heads in America’s Fortune 500 firms cannot fathom the level of anxious desperation that walk into their walnut paneled conference rooms.

At the risk of being crass, might not keeping it real increase university retention, foster congregational healthfulness and possibly boost sales in corporate America? WARNING: Keeping it real might not get you a promotion, a sale or a grow a congregation… but get beyond yourself! Keep it real -- it begins with you!!

You and Your Negative Thoughts

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 17:07:44 GMT

I have blogged about ‘negative mental scripting’ before. I referred to “ANTS”, “Automatic Negative Thinking”, a theory that was developed some time ago. While attending a workshop recently my mind took me on a detour (I got mentally distracted) and this is what I came up with:

If “ANTS” are not recognized they can easily turn into “RANTS”; R idiculous A ttitudes [based on] N egative T hinking. However, “RANTS” is not as bad as it can get… if a person allows “RANT” to become a “go to”, it will eventually become a “CAN’T”; C an’t A ccept N o [for the] T ruth.

So how does this way of living life (which is no life at all) get started? Let me identify several operating factors. I mention these in no particular order:

Jumping to conclusions, without fact checking.

Emotional reasoning that says, ‘if I feel this way, I must be right’. Said differently, personal opinion is not always, fact.

Labeling is a knee-jerk lazy way of living where one reduces either their life or the life of another to a single often negative, narrative. Men are known to compartmentalize and see a person or a behavior in a very shallow way.

Black and white thinking. This person sees a situation as good or bad, right or wrong or all or nothing. With this approach to life there is no possibility for negotiation. This person has a set of ‘mental bookends’ that has no room for any new thoughts.

Personalization. A given situation is all about ‘them’. This person takes things personally; blames themselves and often believes, ‘there is nothing I can do about this.’ This orientation to problem solving often results in isolation and catastrophizes the challenge before them.

The fallacy of fairness is a mental distortion that views challenges on a scale of justice. A situation may have occurred, what did happen was not fair. A person’s actions were, wrong. However, studies in trauma show that it is not the event that is so painful but rather, what the action or injustice created (belief system) within the person.

So what is the remedy to all of this happy news? The answer comes in challenging or questioning these negative thoughts.

Here is a short list of self-evaluating questions you can ask yourself when caught in a downward spiral of negativity or unproductive self-talk.

Will this thought or belief makes any difference a week from now?

Am I making any unchecked assumptions (fact checking)?

Is there another way of looking at this situation?

If “X” should happen, what are the possible outcomes?

Is there truly a legitimate reason to lose sleep over this?

If a friend was sharing my exact same situation with me, what counsel or encouragement would I give them?

Given the situation, what can I control?

Hope this “RANT” was of some help and encouragement.

What time is it?

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 17:05:53 GMT

We are all time travelers moving in one direction—it this true?

What if the past isn't as fixed as we think? Can we reframe or reinterpret situations and experiences that were painful and then, rise above them? What about the present, the now? What are you doing with your life? Your dreaming? Your problem solving and, do you take present time, to celebrate, even the small victories?

I don’t know if you have ever stopped your time long enough to consider the many ways of looking at time. Consider this short list below. You might be interested to know, I created this short list, while I was waiting for something . I was determined not to waste time ( wasted time , yet another category!)

Time out. A term well known to small children after they have done something wrong. A parent gives their child a ‘time out’. I wonder how many parents offer a purpose statement for the ‘time out’? A “time out” also applies to adults when life has not gone their way. Life has interrupted and offers a pause, a ‘time out of sorts’. The question is, “How will I use this season in my life?

Chronological time. Time moves from moment to moment; time is sequential and follows a timetable or record of things. On the chronological life calendar children are born, parents die, new jobs are started. Life is very chronological, if you pause to think about it.

Physical time. This aspect of time is, ‘what is’. Physical time is about a person’s present reality. It is now. It is actual. There is no wishing for yesterday or tomorrow. Physical time is represented by seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, decades and before we know it, our bodies tell us we have run out of time. Every person has been given their own supply of time and everyone’s physical time ultimately has a ‘dash between the dates’.

Relative time. You have heard the phrase, ‘its all relative’. This certainly applies to time. Here is the kicker, ‘your time may not me, my time’. A wife may think it is time to remodel the kitchen. Whereas the husband responds, “This is not the right time.” What may seem ‘relative’ in terms of problem solving or making a crucial decision to one person may be a non-negotiable to another.

Redemptive time. This is a ‘window of precious time’ where events, personalities, things past and present and future line up and God seems to step in and say, “It’s time”. Redemptive time may not always be our first choice. Redemptive time may not be convenient. But in this spiritual perfect storm, ‘all things work together for the good’ for those whose gaze is focused on the One who sees the big picture.

Since You Asked

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 17:02:10 GMT

I am often asked, “What is your take on today’s culture and, what role is the Church to play in our culture ?” I want to begin to answer this question, using this past fall’s academic freshman entering universities as a starting place. (I undoubtedly will do this “Since You Asked” many more times on this website blog).

Most college freshmen who enrolled in U.S. universities in the fall of 2025 were born in 2006. The world they brought into the classroom was very different from the world I was born into in 1954.

Since 2006:

Neither Mother Teresa or Princess Diana were alive.
Telephones are used more as computers, media centers or cameras than a communication tool.
The CDC reports the average teenager spends more than 5 hours online compared to any other single activity (some reports show as high as 7 hours online).
College freshman have never licked a postage stamp.
A cougar is an older woman dating a younger man, not an animal.
Bruce Jenner is a reality media star not a former Olympic sports icon (I could go further…)
Apple is a computer industry not a fruit.
The national reading score for incoming freshman was at a seventh-grade level.
AI is rapidly outpacing actual intelligence.
Today’s college freshman might attend a church if they thought the preachers actually believed what they were saying.

Times have changed…are you ready for 2026?

Churches have also changed, and not necessarily for the better. One seminary professor stated there are principally three ways today’s preachers can approach the teaching of the bible. First, the bible is taught as a wonderful book that has good stories. Given this approach, you might as well-read Hemmingway or Dickens.

Second, preachers, if they value their jobs should present the bible as a practical book, full of principles and practices or as someone has quipped, “It is more about “narcigesis” (“What is in it for me ?”). This approach represents more self-help than theology.

The third way of presenting the bible is an unapologetic revelation of God’s voice. This third approach is held in tension with the homiletical designer disguises (a sermon?) that are paraded into Sunday morning gatherings like a “Religious Academy Awards”. Faithful preaching and teaching were always intended to mold and shape responsive hearers, much like that of malleable clay. If a person hardens their heart to the touch of God, they will eventually crumble under the force of the world’s pressure or most certainly be scorched by the heat that comes with everyday life. This third understanding of “the sermon”, like Elvis, is quickly “leaving the house”.

Turning to our contemporary culture and the church it can be said, without apology or explanation that values, mores and core beliefs continue to unravel fastest in the very places where the church is most silent.

‘Eating disorders’ are commonplace in the church —

Church goers tend to, “binge eaters” (eat when they ‘feel’ like).
Spiritually anorexic (starve themselves from healthy substances)
“Joy eating” is eating with no nutritional value (NY Institute of Health)
Excessively overweight because they do not exercise or apply that which they have “taken in”.

In postings to come I will address real topics in ways that are faithful to God’s word while offering prophetic expression that is rightly spoken (Proverbs 16.24; 25.11) that connects and confronts issues of the heart and mind. If my website is meaningful to you, “share” it with friends. If you have a private message or topic of request, “message me”, and I will do my best to bring it to the table.

Emotional Intelligence and Problem Solving

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 16:55:45 GMT

We live in an increasingly ‘reactive’ culture. Rather than stepping back, taking a breath, considering consequences or looking at the bigger picture people often say the first thing that crosses their mental radar screen. The adage, ‘Better to keep silent and be thought a fool than open the mouth and remove all doubt’ fits here. It has often been said of me, “The difference between Bill and most people is that Bill will tell you what he thinks.” Let me tell you, there is an upside and a downside to this. Over time, I have become better at waiting and giving a ‘measured response’ rather than unpack the whole wagon when only one cow shows up to be fed.

Below are what I call five “emotional realities” that if not acknowledged, are sure fire ways of getting a person in deep relational trouble and, in a hurry . For this blog to work for you, imagine a tense time that you have had or anticipate having. The following are key ideas to keep in the forefront of your mind and emotions.

Do not discount or minimize the reality of your emotions. Every one of us has a CEO; a ‘Chief Emotional Officer’. Your CEO must be acknowledged and managed. Acknowledged emotions can serve as indicators that point the way to successful decision making. Ignored emotions can become unreasonable dictators of an unrecognized reality. If current emotions are not acknowledged there is high likelihood that a person will ‘react’ (impulsive behavior) rather ‘respond’ (intentional behavior). Note the two “I” words here, “impulsive” and “Intentional”. These two words function, in tension, with one another. Admittedly, this is most difficult to do in highly volatile situations but... you must learn to real yourself in.

Do not allow a setback to emotionally define you. I understand the disappointment of an unmet goal or a yet to be accomplished dream. A difficult reality is this, a temporary roadblock could be a steppingstone to something better or, is keeping you out of trouble. I was told early in my career, “The difference between excellence and mediocrity is how one handles disappointment.”

Do not avoid having difficult conversations on any topic. Authentic and healthy relationship have a ‘No holes barred’ orientation when it comes to problem solving, living in tension and moving forward.

Do not mistake your opinion as a fact. To avoid this pitfall the phrase, “fact check” is used in business. It is very easy for these two words, “opinion” and “fact” to become intermingled. This is to say, what a person thinks is “fact” is really, their opinion.

Do not sacrifice emotional safety in any relationship. The concept of emotional safety is at the epicenter of a high-quality decision-making or problem-solving environment. Whether we are talking about a conversation between two people or a decision-making body, every individual must feel free to express their point of view without fear of retribution, punishment or contaminating toxicity.

Blame: Denial’s Ugly Cousin

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 16:49:14 GMT

The best way to maximize this brief blog is to picture a person in your life that you struggle to have a meaningful conversation, on any level.

These individuals often refuse to hear truth, have elaborate self-protection plans, and conveniently escape situations they know they cannot control. Denial is a defense mechanism or smoke screen that always yields an immediate benefit, a stressful reality has been temporarily dodged.

‘Garden variety’ expressions of denial include:

1) ignore/pretend,
2) minimize,
3) claim innocence (“I didn’t know”),
4) laziness (do nothing),
5) rationalize (excuse making),
6) avoidance (‘ghosting’), and
7) redirection/distraction (change subjects).

However, “denial” has an expiration date.

Denial will hit a “dead-end” and only works for a limited time. The person who has passed the ‘expiration date’ on their difficulty will face consequences. The denial-based personality will have a laundry list of reasons why their misfortunes are attributed to someone else.

A person whose denial expiration date has expired is forced into a blaming posture. When the proverbial ‘yogurt hits the fan’, Denial will introduce the ugly cousin, Blame . There is an intimate and predictable working relationship between denial and blame; denial is the forerunner of blame.
Living or working with a “Blamer” is time-consuming and frustrating on many levels. Being mindful of blog space, here are some things to know and do when dealing with a Blamer .

1) Recognize blame is a learned and practiced act of self-defense;
2) Know blame is utilized by a person who is unwilling to face consequences for their previous choices,
3) Listen to understand the other person’s position;
4) Begin by acknowledging any piece of your participation in the challenge,
5) Apologize, where necessary,
6) Anticipate ‘the Blamer’ will not accept your reality;
7) Practice fierce boundaries;
8) Explore the other person’s (irrational) piece of the challenge (note: this comes after 1-7!) by asking questions (asking questions is another blog, trust me!);
9) Work together to overcome the situation; and
10 )If you recognize the person is not willing to explore joint efforts in coming to a resolution terminate the conversation with, “I can tell this is not a good time for us to talk about this. I am open to addressing this at another time.”

Remember, when a person’s denial has caught up with them, ‘blame’ is their ‘Marshall Arts’ best effort to control you. When you refuse to be a part of the meaningless banter and leave the conversation, control and intimidation are removed. Your partner in the disagreement does not have anyone to fight with. Then—and only then—do you have any hope of having a level playing field for healthy communication to take place.

Understanding Covenant - 2 Corinthians 3

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 16:42:05 GMT

Encouragement: In my study my heart was reminded of those I know who truly long to have godly relationships. Relationship is all about a covenant partnering between people. I read 2 Corinthians through the lens of, relationships. I was amazed at the comparing contrasts between an “old” way of pursuing a relationship and, a “new” or more preferred way of having relationships.

OLD COVENANT

Written in stone (3.3)
Legalistic, and kills (3.6)
Difficulty in seeing (3.7)
Once brilliant; is temporary & fades (3.7)
Condemned (3.9)
Insecurity (3.12)
Hiddenness, veiled, confused (3.13)
Unbelief (3. 12-16)
Separation (3. 12-16)

NEW COVENANT

Written on the human heart (3. 2,3)
God, through the Spirit, gives life (3.6)
Increasing expectations (3.8)
An overwhelming glory, forever (3.11)
Reconciled (3.9)
Boldness (3.12)
Freedom (3.17)
Increasing transformation (3.18)
Reflection of God’s work (3.18)

Infected or Contagious?

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 16:38:02 GMT

My curiosity got the best of me. I looked up the words 'infected' and 'contagious'. I was reminded that the word 'infected' means to become sick, influenced by or be affected by an outside element or property (this word is usually associated with a disease of some kind).

The word 'contagious,' however, is different. Contagious is defined as anything that has the capability of spreading (again, usually associated with a disease) from one person or group of persons. Here are some think-it-over ideas:

1. When it comes to being ‘infected’, WHAT are you infected WITH? When people look at your face, what do they SEE? When people read your FB or Instagram posts, what do they HEAR? A person’s unresolved personal experiences can ‘infect’ them with negativity or a chronic critical bent to nearly any new idea. However, if your life is going well for you at present, you are likely to be ‘infected’ with a joyful and hopeful attitude. BOTH outlooks on life show the power of personal influence!

2. And, how ‘contagious’ are you? When considering this word, we are reminded that a contagious person ‘spreads’ that which they have been influenced by or have caught. I regularly see that negative people tend to hang out with other negative people. Yes, ‘misery loves company’. On the other hand, positive and joyful individuals often attract similar energy. I also observe that highly critical people specifically limit their enquiries or research to postings or reports that speak to their preconceived negative bias. They then inflict their negativity onto an unsuspecting world. In counseling, I see that a person’s own family, the setting of their earliest and most influential lessons, are transferred to their children. Children easily ‘catch’ that which is being thrown to them; and without questioning what is being modeled or taught.

A final few thoughts…

Generally speaking, “Are you ‘infected’ with something and do not know it?” Or, “What gets your quickest attention whereby your mood can change or be infected-- in a heartbeat?” These questions prompt us to be more self-aware and engage in positive personal growth.

Specifically speaking to the faith community, a person can be ‘infected or have an initial experience’ with God, BUT NOT BE contagious. I have coined the term, “ASG” which means, ‘arrested spiritual growth’. A person may grow chronologically but never grow up, spiritually. If a person has been profoundly and authentically 'infected' by Christ, they should have the ability to spread the Good News by way of their attitude, outlook on life, the words they speak and the service they offer to their community. A community pastor once told me he was sending new believers to my church. I was confused. I asked, “You are sending new followers of Jesus to my church? Why?” His response, “My church is not healthy enough to receive them. I do not want them to catch some of the regular negativity I hear.” This story highlights the potential for positive influence and, warns us about the perils of chronic negativity.

Final thought: the reason why TRUE revivals or "spiritual epidemics" break out, much less continue, is that people have been both infected and contagious!

Helicopter Parents Produce Helicopter Kids

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 16:36:07 GMT

Each fall incoming freshman come streaming onto college campuses. Some “streaming wildly”, like a horse out of the barn for the first time. And then there are the others, who cautiously and fearfully dare not make the slightest poor decision. ‘Helicopter kids’ come from homes that were both heavily policed (meaning many rules), raised by well-meaning parents who we overly involved, and those whose parents were very ‘hands off’ (or, permissive). Studies show ‘Helicopter kids’ have certain traits that they carry with them, like the contents in their backpacks.

Helicopter kids coming from homes where parents were constantly hovering over their kids struggle with several different things. In no particular order… the eighteen-year-old (and older and even into young adulthood) show the following tendencies:

Low tolerance for stress. You would think that the young person who lives with a micromanaging parent would not exhibit this. Wrong. This child has lived with the stress of the ‘watchful eye’ and carries this onto campus. Byproducts of this are overcompensation, perfectionism and substance abuse. “If I don’t succeed, I will hear about it.” In an effort to reduce stress, the helicopter kid ‘’works the stress’ off of them.

Difficulty in decision making. Where does this come from? Easy. The fear of making a mistake or a poor decision produces indecisiveness. This is not to be confused with procrastination, as this is a totally different challenge (another blog).

Fear of failure is a corresponding underlying component part of the helicopter kid. This is particularly true where one or both parents were successful in their given areas of interest. I can remember talking with a student whose father was a well known, hall of fame athlete. He told me he was asked many times by coaches, “You are going to be just like your dad, aren’t you.”

Low self-esteem. Kids who were constantly corrected or told, ‘this is simply not enough’ (the implication is, not ‘good’ enough) see more faults in themselves than assets. This low self-esteem produces a hypervigilance or perfection orientation and at the opposite end of the spectrum, can become an underachiever.

People-pleasing. When you add 1-4 together, the cumulative byproduct is that these people become ‘people pleasers.’ Read 1-4 again, keeping this in mind. People pleasing is ‘posing’ to be someone who you are not. One byproduct of people pleasing is a growing level of internal anger because what is said “Yes” to on the outside, a corresponding voice is yelling, “NO!” on the inside . Melanie Beattie has coined the phrase, “When helping you is hurting me”, fits here.

Inability to hear compliments. Because criticism, even helpful direction, is heard more than compliments, a sixth attribute of the helicopter kid is that they have difficulty hearing or receiving compliments. This reality is often carried into adulthood and to the extent, these people are forever in search of just another ‘atta boy/girl’. And side-bar here… one more ‘atta boy/girl’ is never enough, ever.

Arrested development. On many fronts, the helicopter kid can have packed away in their ‘life backpack’ stunted emotional, relational and academic potential. This reality is commonly referred to as, ‘failure to launch’. The overhelping parent (or professor) is silently saying, “You can’t do this so let me help you.” When this happens, the individual never realizes their full potential.

The Truth About Deception

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 16:31:10 GMT

Here are some ‘think it overs’ about liars and lying. Men lie to preserve their reputation; women lie to avoid conflict. People of faith color-code (sugarcoat) their lies by using the term, “white lie”. People in business lie when they “over promise and under deliver." People in dating relationships lie when they say, “Your past is not important to me”. Students lie anytime they plagiarize an academic paper and pass it off as their own. And last, pastors lie when they cut and paste the totality of another pastor’s sermon and present it as their own. Minimizing, exaggeration, or withholding important information all constitute a lie.

Below I offer ten lies commonly made by both men and women. (Yes, I did the reseach)

Lies Men Tell (not in any particular order)
1. I never said that.
2. I don’t know.
3. We will talk about this later.
4. I forgot.
5. I was only kidding.
6. I’m on my way home.
7. I don’t look at p*rn.
8. This was an interesting meal.
9. I’m sorry (usually because the man has been caught).
10. Your career is just as important as mine.

Lies Women Tell (not in any particular order)
1. You’re right.
2. Five minutes.
3. Don’t worry about it.
4. I didn’t marry you for your money.
5. I can’t talk, my phone is about to die.
6. I’m not mad at you.
7. I got it on sale.
8. Fine.
9. I wouldn’t change a thing about you. 10. I won’t get mad, I promise.

Below I offer my five stages of lying. Lying simply does not happen overnight.

First, UNAWARENESS : a person is absolutely unaware that an untruth they are about to tell is in fact, a lie. This may happen because they did not ‘fact check’.

Second, SELF DESCEPTION . people rationalize or give themselves permission to speak a falsehood. This can be tied to entitlement orientation or very simply, outright arrogance.

Third, PROJECTION . At some point the lie being told has become a new reality to the liar and therefore attempts to pass off or project their reality onto others.

Four, DEFENSIVE . When the liar has been discovered (and in time, truth comes out) there will be the need to defend their reality.

Five, EXTENSIVE COVER UP . When truth does come out the liar is forced to make up more likes, to cover up the original lie.

Liars 101: Characteristics

People who lie (and some, are really, really good and convincing!)…

Are inordinately defensive.
Shift focus off themselves, often blame shifting onto another.
Offer vague answers to specific questions.
Conversely, are overly descriptive or elaborate when providing an answer to a relatively simple question.
Use emotion to provide validation or proof of their position.
Unwilling to recognize the needs or opinions of others.
Very little (avoidance) OR too much eye contact (intimidation).

Liars 201: How did this get developed?

Lying is a sin. Lying is one of seven behaviors God “hates” (Prov. 6. 16f.).
Lying is an attribute seen in a person with low self-esteem.
Because of the above point (#2), lying is a form of self-protection, keeping an unsuspecting world at arm’s length.
Lying, at some point, will involve rationalization or a inner self talk that gives the liar permission or justification to perpetrate the falsehood.
Lying, if gone undetected, becomes an entrenched and well-practiced character flaw that the person lives by.
Lying is commonly seen, and thrives, in religious communities that are big on “grace” but struggle with confronting truth.

I am feeling a rant coming on so I will stop here … I AM NOT LYING!

Easy Elegant Dinner

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 16:28:36 GMT

‘Cali Stuffed Chicken Breasts’

Ingredients

Chicken breasts
Frozen spinach (1 Pkg.)
½ to 3/4 cup parmesan cheese (I prefer dry)
Bacon or prosciutto

‘How to’

Cook frozen spinach according to directions on package. After cooking, place in a colander and totally drain the spinach. I use my fist to press out any water to guarantee that the spinach is as dry as possible. Set aside.
Taking the well-drained spinach add parmesan cheese and mix in very well. If you are a fiend about cheese, you can always add more.
After washing and drying chicken, with a meat mallet, pound out the chicken breasts until about ½ inch thick. This does not need to be exact but, uniform to guarantee equal cooking time. Set aside.
Place chicken breasts, ONE at a time, and lay on your work surface.
Place your desired amount of cheese/parmesan mixture (make sure you have enough for other prepared meat) across the chicken breast, allowing about ½ inch on each edge.
Slowly and carefully (with love) role the chicken breast up. It should look somewhat like a torpedo or baked potato. Repeat with remaining breasts.
Set the chicken breasts aside.
Take out one slice of bacon (or prosciutto) and lay it out lengthwise. Place ONE prepared chicken breast at a time in the middle of the bacon and wrap around the chicken breast up with the bacon.
Place in a Pyrex dish and pour about ½ cup of white wine around the breasts.
Cook at 350 degrees until the bacon begins to brown. (about 40 or so minutes)
Take out cooked ‘Cali Chicken breasts’ and brush with a little mango chutney.
I would serve over a bed of white rice as the taste is already quite outragerous.

You and Your Life

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 16:26:42 GMT

Fruit: representative of a person’s skills and/or accomplishments.

Branches: people who are an extension of you; employees, family, others.

Trunk : the ‘core’ from which a person’s skill set depends on.

Leaves: significant people who will ‘cover/protect/support’ you.

Ground : the location from where I am recharged and find safety and peace.

Roots: the unseen source from which all the above comes.

Worksheet
Take time to identify below people, skills, source of empowerment in your life.

Leaves: (”Who are my ‘peeps’?)

Fruit: (“What am I ‘shoot the lights out’ good at?”)

Trunk: (“What do I depend on to hold my life together?”)

Branches: (“Who extends the work of my hands?”)

Roots: (“Where is the sources(s) of my skills and abilities?”)

Ground: (be mindful, ‘How safe or healthy is my ‘ground’?)

Self Talk Scripting to Reduce Anxiety

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 16:24:45 GMT

Research tells us that “ACEs” (adverse childhood experiences) if not identified and worked through can become very toxic to a person and to those relationships around them. Further, anxiety that is allowed to develop will impact brain chemistry, social skills, academic achievement and overall mental health.

The term ‘self-talk’ has been around the mental health community for as long as I can remember. David Stoop’s book, “Self Talk”, “How to Stop the Past From Controlling Your Future” and, “Take Your Life Back” were three of his earliest contributions. Very briefly, found below are a handful of anxiety coping statements that can help lower (not guarantee) anxiety if employed at the ‘early onset’ stage.

What I am currently thinking may not be facts.
I do not need to solve this feeling right now.
I can share this feeling with a safe person.
My anxiety does not necessarily mean there is something wrong with me.
This feeling very well be a false alarm.
My bravery is stronger and more capable than my fear.
Just keep breathing.
I can do hard things.
I am loved.
It is OK to make a mistake; I can survive this situation.
I can ask for help.
Become increasingly aware of ‘black and white’ thinking.
Avoid toxic or overly negative conversations.
Is there another way of looking at this?
Is this worth worrying about?
Is there evidence of my worry?
Do something fun, for you.
My anxiousness is real but it does not define me.
Ask yourself, “What am I upset about?”
Will this thought be an issue or matter, one week from now?

Learn to ask better questions

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 20:05:34 GMT

For years I would share with my counseling students, “Asking a better question can be far more effective than delivering a well-intentioned (even a good information) statement.

Below I share a handful of questions that can keep a conversation going and going deeper. These are what I call universal questions and can be found between a husband and wife, work colleagues or a barista serving her customer.

One bottom-line truth about asking questions is, “Ask open-ended questions that do not paint a person into a box.” Stated differently, if you want to draw a person into a deeper conversation, then stay clear of thinking questions, or questions that subtly are ‘calling for the question’.

Here are examples of ‘go to’ questions I often ask:

How did _____________make you feel when you saw or ______?
What is most challenging or difficult part about this idea?
Have you considered what was behind their action?
Is there something I can do to help you with this?
What influenced you most in making that decision?
How has ______________changed your thoughts about_________ ?
Does their approach to ___________line up with your values?
What led you to that decision?
What happens of nothing changes?
Can anything good come out of this?
What will life look like if this issue (do not use the word, ‘problem’) is not addressed?
What’s God up to in all this?
How does God factor into that experience?
Can you see how ____________ could be a faith-developing experience?
Can you be at peace with yourself if you ___________? Or,
Can you be at peace with yourself if you do not ____________?
At the end of the day, how might you feel about making this decision?
How might this decision most effect you as you ‘moving forward’.

Two Ways to Live Life

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 20:04:09 GMT

THE HEALTHY WAY:

Healthy Things
GROW

Growing Things
CHANGE

Changing Things
CHALLENGE US

Challenging Things
FORCE US TO TRUST GOD

Trusting God
DEVELOPING FAITH

Increasing Faith
PRODUCES MORE GROWTH

THE UNHEALTHY WAY:

Unhealthy Things
STAGNATE

Stagnating Things
DO NOT CHANGE

Unchanging Things
RESIST CHALLENGE

Plateaued Personal Life
SELDOM SEEKS GOD

Not Seeking God
TRUST IN OURSELVES

Trust in Ourselves
PRODUCES UNHEALTHY LIFE

The ‘Happy Chemicals’ and How To Access Them

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 20:00:04 GMT

Chemicals are released in the brain during pleasurable activities, such as eating delicious food, spending time with loved ones, or achieving goals.

The following four chemicals are referred to as, ‘the happy chemicals’ and are released by the brain, which functions very much like a pharmacy.

These four chemicals help to create a sense of well-being and contribute to overall happiness. Conversely, when absent, leads a person into a depressive state.

Dopamine
The ‘Reward’ Chemical
Completing a task
Food
Intentional (chosen)
Self-Care Activity
Accomplishment

Oxytocin
The ‘Emotion’ Chemical
Physical Affection
Hearing an Affirmation
Doing Something for Someone
Quality Time with a Friend.

Serotonin
The ‘Mood’ Stabilizer
Mindfulness
Outdoor activity
Sunlight
Positivity
Laughing

Endorphin
The ‘Pain Killer’
Meditation
Emotional Experiences
Positive Self Image
Hiking
Massage

Relationship or Reason

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 19:57:54 GMT

One night, a father was putting his seven-year-old son to bed when the boy said, “Dad, I’m not sure I believe that God made everything in the universe. Are you telling me that everything we see just happened all of a sudden?”

Thinking quickly, the father asked, “Have you talked about the Big Bang in school?” “Sort of,” the son replied.

The father explained, “Some people believe that there was a tiny, super-hot spot in the beginning. Then, for a reason no one fully understands, everything burst forth like a flower blooming from a tiny seed. That’s how everything began.”

“Really?” the boy asked. “People actually believe that?” From that night on, the father and son began going to the library to research together. The father's willingness to learn alongside his son inspired the boy to embrace the mystery of life. He realized that it’s far more important to dive deeply into the journey than to seek quick, definitive answers.

Indeed, relationships birth understanding. When a person feels safe in a relationship, even the most challenging information can be received with grace and openness.

The Dreaded Question

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 19:54:39 GMT

I heard a panel of therapists grapple with the question: "What constitutes true authenticity?" One person said Many people can be transparent about the past but not nearly as forthcoming about an unreconciled present.

Pause and let these last two sentences sink in; reread it if you must. The way people typically recount events of the past tends to be fairly scripted, matter-of-fact, or "been there and done that". Question, "Could it be then that sharing, in what appears to be an authentic way about the past, is in fact manipulation or misrepresentation, particularly if one is not as open to reveal matters that are being currently concealed?" Your thoughts?

Now, let's confront the DREADED QUESTION, "What is it that you hope I do not ask you?" This question often reveals something that is being avoided, a secret that's been buried, a lie that's been 'redefined', or an area of our lives where we know we need to make a change but haven't. So, is there a question or topic you hope never comes up between you and a good friend? Reflect on this, as it could be a key to your personal growth.

The panel concluded with a powerful reminder: 'We are all broken people, no one is perfect, not one. Most, if not everyone, spins or presents uncomfortable chapters of their lives so they do not look nearly as questionable as they once were.' A regular part of life is tied up with the loose ends where we hope to make progress or reconcile an area of your life that's been marred by past disappointment or pain. I know I have mine.

We all need the support of others to navigate the past. But how about the present? Are you equally forthcoming about a present challenge, dilemma, fear, or concern that you hope no one asks about? And so I close with an older, often-used statement that holds truth today: "No one is as sick as their secrets". And add, you can either become comfortable with the story of your past and 'live it out for others to see and perhaps learn from' OR, spend the rest of your life running from what may be, the most significant chapter of your life."

Crosswalk

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 19:51:41 GMT

Standing backward~
waiting for the walk in white.
An unseen shriveled hand
parts our trafficked path;
I blindly saunter,
tap, tap, tap …
I might find my way across, someday.

You have your way
with verbal claws digging deep,
deeper still.
Partners in your night,
aloneness, my only companion.
Past’s pain cannot outwalk this purgatory.

You had your way, I went … mine.
The survivor of borderline warfare
I incline, hearing only the waring,
whoring crescendo of muted voices
that tether me to a past
i cannot escapeescape.

The crosswalk now my friend releases the tether;
Hope, my only fulcrum to
an unknown future
And now prophetic invitation
beckons, “Walk”
calls me to an unknown home.

One day I will understand.

Written in “Woodsman days” (1977)

It’s Complicated

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 19:36:14 GMT

After noticing the frequent use of "It's Complicated" on Facebook, I became curious about the word "complicated".

In medicine and computer science, "complicated" denotes complex situations—like a compound fracture in medicine or an unpredictable virus in computer systems. However, in everyday use, "It's complicated" often serves as a defensive dodge, implying blame or a reluctance to fully engage in honesty. Simply stated, "It's none of your business." This contrasts with previously mentioned technical definitions, where complexity is understood without assigning fault.

In relationships, recognizing the interconnectedness of our lives is essential; just as Earth is connected to the heavens above and the ocean tides below. Individual decisions play a pivotal role in shaping these connections. Very few decisions do not impact someone, somehow or somewhere. In marriage counseling I often need to remind both individuals and couples, "You are thinking like a single person".

"It's complicated”. Oftentimes, it is not. I have been reminded numerous times by an illustrator I work with, Paula Friedman, "In art, less if often best." She is also fond of saying, "I can look at a painting I have finished and think, 'I could have done that better'". Hidden in Paula's two comments are two truths that can effectively "uncomplicate" a situation. First, especially with extroverts and 'talkers', less is best. PLEASE, think before you speak. And two, there are times when it would be invaluable to revisit a conversation, a misunderstanding and ask, "Could I have said/done that differently." I am reminded of wise council found in the book of Revelation, chapter two. An entire church had got off track and lost its priorities. To them, God simply said, "Go back and do the things you did at first."

"It's complicated" ...perhaps not as much as you would like to think.

Managing Manipulative People

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 19:34:28 GMT

I’ve been taking a Zoom class for the last few months that has dealt with, in part, “adverse advisors” or, people who have a problem with nearly any idea you may have. I want to pull the covers back on the person who first appears as being ‘authentic,’ but is found to be blowing smoke.

You discover, underneath their initial smooth talk, is only a means to control others. The best way for you to maximize this brief read is to think of someone in your life who, at times, emotionally or verbally overpowers you.

First, the person before you initially present themselves with great ‘pretense’. Pretense is a false or misleading appearance with the goal of distorting reality. This could be in the form of ready agreement with your ideas. This person may appear likeable, seem wise, and come across as caring--until you disagree with them. The pretentious personality eventually becomes dismissive, aggressive or sarcastic when you express a different opinion.

Second, stage two is referred to as, ‘offense’. Once you disagree with (your person), on whatever topic, there will be an attempt to run all over you, using every imaginable resource they can muster up. Their “offensive imagination” has a near limitless supply of well-practiced techniques. The first two stages are all about them. A common initial response to “offense” is, “What just happened?”

Third stage brings a shift, in us. What began as “pretense” (false presenting) is followed by “offense” (an attempt to control). The third stage is marked by your ‘defense’. Because of the intended mental hijacking, a term used to describe the manipulation of one's thoughts and perceptions, we begin to question our reality. If we allow ourselves to forget who we are and what we believe, the conversation or encounter can go even further south.’

Once we've identified the above rouse of manipulation, we can name the conflict for what it is, 'nonsense'. This recognition allows us to regain our reality and take back control.. A simple question to ask might be, 'Does this person have receptivity to hear what I have to say?'

Four stages: “pretense” (false presenting)-“offense” (control)-“defense” (forgetting our reality)- “nonsense” (regaining reality).

It's important to note that not everyone displays these manipulative behaviors. However, research does show a significant portion of our culture engages in ‘false presenting’ and uses both covert and overt measures to control, which can lead to us questioning our mental reasoning.

You and Your Automatic Thoughts

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 19:30:00 GMT

An event occurs, instantly triggering an emotional response and automatic thoughts. Our internal interpretations are commonly based on external stimuli (what we see or hear).

Therapist Aaron Beck, creator of the “ANTS” theory (automatic negative thoughts), explains that these thoughts emerge without reasoning, often perceived as absolute truths. They can be specific, spontaneous, highly emotional, and difficult to manage, sometimes going unnoticed, much like a virus in a computer.

“ANTS”: Those who struggle with "ANTS" may exhibit obsessive-compulsive traits, a lack of appropriate awareness, controlling behaviors, insecurity, difficulty recognizing available resources, and a victim mentality, often seeing others as the "bad guys." Research show ‘ANTS’ is a common mental health challenge and well over 55% of culture experience this.

AUTOMATIC THINKERS fall into two categories: the "Awfulizer," who imagines dire outcomes, and the "Romanticizer," who idealizes situations or people. Both believe they have an accurate perspective on their lives.

HOW ABOUT A SOLUTION?! To address these challenges, it's important to "live in slow motion" during emotionally charged moments. When negativity strikes, think in sound bites—clear, concise expressions of your feelings. Additionally, become your own "Chief Emotional Officer." Recognize your thoughts quickly, monitor your inner dialogue, and remember that your thoughts shape your emotions. This approach will help you gain control over your emotional responses.

You Get What You Pay For

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 19:26:51 GMT

A reader emailed me, asking, “Why don’t you blog about ‘You get what you pay for’?” I want to turn this around by saying, “You may get what you had not bargained for.”

This idea makes me think of a store that advertises, "Cheapest brakes in town". My response, "I don't think so! It's the difference between what I paid to get a job done and the result of the service that was provided. It is the difference between, “Mr. Right and, Mr. Right, NOW’. The chase for the next best deal can easily lead to the bondage of reading, “Insufficient Funds”. We aren’t meant to be bound or enslaved. Incarceration describes an environment devoid of passion, freedom, or hope.

Those in bondage often get ‘what they had not bargained for’. Those in bondage lack mental mobility, relational transparency and emotional freedom. Those in bondage live in fear that their lies will be exposed. Those is bondage do not recognize they live with blind spots and that, people know things about them, that they do not know about themselves.

You can’t buy your freedom, and you cannot afford to live without it. Freedom is not just an idea; it’s a deep voice that tells us that something is not right. I have experienced the feeling of bondage, and I never want to endure it again. When bondage becomes the ‘new norm’, the invitation to liberation, when it finally arrives, is often resisted. This may be hard to grasp, but in all my years of working in the field of addiction, I speak from experience.

“You get what you pay for”… maybe. But when it comes to what Jesus has already paid for you, when you accept his freedom, you receive more than you could ever anticipate. It's a feeling of relief and, a sense of peace that surpasses all understanding!

Flying in the Face of Truth

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 19:24:25 GMT

The Tower of Pisa is one of the most photographed landmarks in Italy, with construction beginning in 1173.

Early on, builders discovered poor soil conditions that caused the tower to lean southward. At further expense, other specialists were brought in to challenge the diagnosis of earlier builders.

After nearly 100 years, and yet further expense and enthusiasm, a new group attempted to correct the lean by adding taller columns on the northern side, but the tilt persisted. Despite the efforts of four different architects over 200 years, the iconic tower was finished with its notable lean intact.

This situation teaches five key lessons: First, there’s no right way to do a wrong thing. Second, unseen elements in a project or a person’s will be seen by all. Third, if the foundation of any project is not established, the structure cannot be supported. Four, if the materials in your life or work projects lack integrity, no amount of money or experience will rectify the problem. Lastly, remember the “B.S.B.S.” principle: Build slowly and build strongly.